Can Family fights be fixed?
This is a sensitive topic so, let me first start by providing some disclaimers:
a. I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.
b. The words written in this article are only personal opinions based on personal experiences. Do not take it as an objective truth.
Last year, I spent a considerable amount of my time learning about family dynamics and how parent’s behaviors affected children. My research also included many articles from Medium that I “highlighted” the sh*t out of.
But today, as I look back, there are so many things I could have done differently with regards to my own family dynamics. In few simple words: I messed up.
I got swayed away by the popular opinion or more rightly, my interpretation of the popular opinions.
The overall culture of our generation is to blame parents. And I get why. They don’t get many things we say, and we don’t get a lot of things they say. But have we taken this concept into our hearts and blown it out of proportion?
I am not talking about physical or emotional child abuse here. Because, also through my research, I have found so many instances where the issues weren’t fixable. The right approach in those circumstances was to get away from the family of origin to have a healthy physical, emotional, and mental Life. That was the absolute right thing to do.
And I am not here to judge which experiences constitute as severe harm or not (I am no one to do that).
I am talking about families like my own who have, let’s say, some very fixable issues (for lack of a better phrase).
Here are a few things I observed:
#1 Blame it on others
I tended to blame almost everything on others than take responsibility for my actions.
Often when I called my parents back home, my energy was heavy, tensed, and ready to blame them for something or other. There was an evident lack of respect and acknowledgment for the things they had done for me.
It was easier to blame. All I had to do was point fingers and not change anything about myself.
Now, I check my energy before I call them. I make sure that I am in a positive state of mind and have an open-heart to receive their love in any form they provide.
#2 The more we share, the more our problems grow
I am a huge proponent of sharing whatever is going on in our minds. Having faced anxiety and depression myself, I know that sharing my feelings was one thing that truly helped me come out of difficult situations.
But when it comes to familial fights, I sometimes wonder if over-sharing makes things worse.
The more we over-share, the more other’s opinions, perspectives, and even their energy gets added to your problem.
For example: Say we went to a friend “B” and told them, “Friend A has been so annoying. Yesterday he told me to clean my office space.”
To which B replies, “Oh wow. How dare he. You know he is always inconsiderate. He doesn’t care about other’s time”.
So, in addition to thinking that A was annoying, you now would also believe that he is inconsiderate and doesn’t care about other’s time.
It may not help you resolve the actual issue at hand.
In addition, there is so much I could have done in the past year that could have quickly diffused some typical fight-like situations. But I didn’t. I made things worse by creating convincing stories where I was the victim (based on my perspective). It wasn’t a conscious choice but I did do it.
If you see a spark, you should try to diffuse it, not blow air into it and turn it into a forest fire.
#3 Our feelings get hurt pretty quickly
If someone remotely said something sarcastic or negative about us, we get hurt. Many people may disagree with me, but I think it says more about our emotional strength than the other person’s negative behavior.
99% of Life is not under our control, then how can we get hurt by the little things. Building our emotional strength is our responsibility and it will do solid good for us.
#4 We talk about the issues related to Perfectionism but hold our parents to an unrealistically higher standard of perfection
We are all imperfect. We make mistakes, say things we don’t mean, get carried away by popular opinions, grow, and change with time.
But do we give this leverage to our elders? Somehow, we have been trained to think that our parents should be these perfect entities. They are supposed to have everything figured out. How can we put so much pressure on someone?
The world is evolving rapidly, and I have had to change my behaviors almost every day to catch up with the times.
Give people a break! They are trying. It’s tough. Be kind.
#5 Our concern may come out as judgment
Like any other adult, I care about my parent’s health and well-being. I see them overeat sugar, oil, or meat, and I get triggered because I know the effects of those food groups on our bodies.
Earlier, I tended to straight up tell them not to eat those foods.
They would post a photo about a delicious dish they made, and my first reaction would be to blame them for eating too much oil, sugar, cheese, or meat.
Although it came from a place of love and concern, does that really help?
We are all individual souls living our personal lives. We cannot protect (or control) someone else’s Life. The only thing we can do is keep giving them love and inform them lovingly (I usually share random videos or articles) without placing any judgments.
They are adults, and they get to live Life any way they want to.
#6 Lack of Gratitude
When we don’t stop and think about the things others have done for us, we take them for granted. If we want to build any relationship, as cliche as it sounds, gratitude is an integral part of the puzzle.
You don’t have to buy notebooks to fill pages with “I am grateful for…” sentences. I did that, and it didn’t work out for me.
While you are in nature or taking an evening stroll, just think about the sacrifices (time, energy, money) and struggles someone went through to provide you with safety and love.
#7 We are growing Impatient
With this age of instant gratification, we have lost the art of patience, thanks to social media sites.
Relationships take time to heal and grow. It’s just like growing a plant from its seed. If we have sown the seed of trust, respect, patience, love, and understanding in our relationships, it will take its time to fruition into a full-grown plant.
One of my good friends shared the below quote, and I always remember it when I get impatient:
“The day you sow your seed is not when you harvest the fruit.”
#8 We need to heal before we can heal others
I always thought that I had to fix others for my Life to be perfect. But I have realized that there is only one person I need to heal, and that is myself.
I never realized how much work I still have to do to be a happy, peaceful soul.
And the more that I heal, the more I can see my family heal.
#9 Don’t confuse boundaries with complete detachment
Boundaries are important in any relationship. We need to be aware about what we are willing to compromise on and things that do not have any room for a change.
But we often confuse boundaries with detachment. Just because I tell my friend not to call after 10PM does not mean that I don’t love her or the relationship is failing. It just means that there are a set of rules (sometimes flexible), that needs to be in place to make the relationship healthier.
Maybe sometimes the problem isn’t the relationship, it’s our lack in maintaining proper boundaries.
“Never cut what you can untie.”- Joseph Joubert
#10 There is always hope
Do fights get fixed?
Based on my experience till now, I would say that some relationships are adamant. No matter how much it goes through, it always finds its way back home (I don’t mean staying in an abusive relationship, as mentioned before), while some do not make it.
Neither of them is bad because your Life will always grow towards a positive light if you have hope and a positive attitude. If we can keep our egos aside and work towards building our strengths, maybe there is still hope for a happy and peaceful life?
In addition to the above points, I also believe in re-creating our future every moment. If we stay stuck in the past of how someone hurt our feelings or called us selfish, we may not be able to forget, forgive and move on. We have to let go of the past to make the relationship work.
I am no expert in relationships, and I am learning as I go. But there is one knowing that I am confident about “Evolution is almost an everyday thing.”
The more we learn about growing ourselves, the more we have a chance to live our Life fully, vibrant with positivity.
I hope this article helped you in some way.
Check out my YouTube channel for inspiring videos: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBfUxVSxC0koxGSkwzVRYzQ
